14 September 2020

It’s been almost 6 weeks since that stupid fucking night that I found out about her. Six weeks. And I feel broken. I see you on your phone and i immediately think that must be some girl you’re talking to. We have only been married 9 months. We are newlyweds… and you’ve been having relationships with women over the internet for years. I know, you’re depressed. But you know it was wrong. You thought it was harmless… how wrong you were. I question us now, and that’s new. I used to think we were the best couple in the world, God-made for each other. And now i feel sorry for myself. Maybe you don’t understand because you’re not on this end of the problem. Maybe you think i should just “get over it”. Well, I cant. I actually wonder if this pain is worth sticking through. Yeah, I know marriage isnt supposed to be easy. But you werent supposed to break our marriage covenant and my heart. Now… I feel so stupid. I dont want to fight for us like I used to. I dont want to feel like such a fool again. I dont want to be fucking paranoid. I wanted a marriage that broke the cycle that my parents showed my, but I guess I played right into that. Crazy. I dont know what to do. I love you and that hurts me right now. My life changed on that day, and I cant go back to be the person I was before. I have to transform myself into someone who can live through this ache and distrust. How do I so this? I’m taking it one day at a time but I think about it all the freaking time. My chest feels like theres a hole where you should be.

10 July 2020

Honestly what the hell… did 10 years of friendship mean nothing? We stood by each other through everything! I drove over 5 hours so many times to visit you at college. I was always just a text away to be there anytime you needed me. I should have seen the signs when you made your first friends in college. I was so happy for you, but I noticed how you stopped reaching out. I was the one who made the effort. And I had called you my best friend. Wow, that really hurts. This love I could have given someone else had I only known how little I meant to you. This is the worst. It hurts so bad, just like a breakup. Only in some ways it’s worse because you were not my boyfriend, you were my best friend. You saw me at my lowest. What changed for you? When did the change happen? God knows I would erase you from my heart if I could. I won’t make the same mistake with someone else. And I won’t let you make me fear loving someone else. But the fact remains that i cant just conjure up a best friend at will. That bond takes time. I would like to be able to look back and be grateful that you were there while you were, but right now all i feel is pain when i think of you. And i think of you often. I dont want to. But what do I do? I get so close to removing you on my social media but I cant get myself to finalize pressing that little unfriend button. But maybe I should. Yeah, I should. Because you dont deserve to see my life anymore and it’s too painful for me to be reminded of yours. I just removed you from Instagram and facebook. I do feel a weight lifted. I did the right thing. I’m still sad. This sucks so bad I never thought this would happen.

12 June 2020

Ever wonder what life would be like if you truly only gave a damn what you thought of yourself? And didn’t care what anyone else thought or said about you? I think about it a lot. All my life I have been a people pleaser. If I found out that someone didn’t like me, I took it very personally and would try my best to show that person that I’m likeable. I did this with girls who made me feel isolated in middle school. I did this in high school, although at that time it didnt feel like that big of a problem. After high school, when I lost friends I thought I would have for my whole life, is when my people pleasing habit started taking over my life. I’m not going to get into any specific stories here and now, but I will say that had I had a better grasp of who I was I would not have needed the validation from others. That sounds like common knowledge, but man, it has taken me my whole life to come to terms with it. That’s why they say you could be the juiciest peach in the world, but there will still be people who don’t like peaches. I’m 23 and have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I swear I tried everything I could to treat my mental health with natural remedies. The last thing I wanted was to have to take medication for this. And to be honest I was terrified of medication too. I tried yoga, running, painting, marijuana, meditation, sleep hypnosis, melatonin, GABA, vitamin supplements, eating healthy, limiting social media, and I even bought a dog impulsively (he turned out to be a very needed support companion). It took years of trying things, and wishing and wishing that they would help cure this horrible feeling embedded into my heart. I remember crying constantly. I would cry on my breaks at work, I would cry after work, and I would cry at night. About 8 months ago I had reached my all-time lowest point, and I felt like I couldn’t go on. I knew I needed help. My husband made me an appointment at a private practice, because we’ve mostly just had really bad experiences at big hospitals and clinics. The doctor came in and we talked a little bit. She asked how I was feeling and why I had come in. I remember it was hard for me to tell her out loud that I wanted to try an antidepressant. My eyes had watered up just saying the words. I felt horrible about myself. Horrible that I had reached this point and couldn’t even help myself. The worst part is that I knew that the pain I was feeling was an accumulation of emotion spent up for years. I had everything I wanted in my life, and I felt like I should be happy. I married the man of my dreams, and he loves me just as much as I love him. He is always patient and kind and does all he can to help. I am financially stable, I don’t have to worry about money. I have 2 beautiful dogs that I love so dearly. I have a house, with a yard. Food in my pantry. And despite all of this, it was impossible to feel happy. There was this darkness over me that was so heavy. I just couldn’t keep carrying it. I didn’t feel like the wife my husband deserved. I hated myself. So yeah, saying those words out loud to the doctor definitely made my voice break. She was very kind and took me seriously. She had me fill out a mental health screening panel, and also ordered a blood panel because she wanted to make sure my thyroid and other levels were normal and not causing an imbalance. She ordered me a prescription for 10mg antidepressants and explained what to expect, then gave me all her info so I could contact her with any questions or problems. I was so thankful. I picked up the pills from the pharmacy, but couldn’t bring myself to start them for several days. Everytime I thought to myself “There’s something so wrong with me that I have to take medication for it” i just cried more. The first night I took it, felt like the longest, darkest night. My husband held me and told me it would be okay. The sadness that fell over me was tormenting. But I kept going, because the doctor AND the pharmacist had both told me that the first 2 weeks might feel worse while my body gets used to the drug, but then I would feel better. They were right, a couple weeks later I started to feel like myself again. And it was refreshing. I didnt cry every day anymore. I started feeling like I could begin to heal. Things were great for about 4 months, but then the depression symptoms from before came back. I went back to my doctor. Again, I started bawling in the exam room. She gave my the depression screener one more time, and based on my results decided it was time to try a higher dose, which I was afraid of. But I trust her. I’ve been on a 20mg dose for 3 months now, and I feel so much better. My doctor wants me to stay on them for at least another 6 months before even considering getting off of them. I’m not complaining, it’s the first thing I’ve tried that has actually been able to help. I am worried though about when I have to wean off of them. I know withdrawals and relapses happen. I worry that my body can’t be happy without help. I am not supposed to get pregnant on them, and I want kids someday, so I know the day will come when I will have to be brave and take that next step. But my hope for this time is that my brain can retrain itself to not be in a state of constant anxiety. I hope that my “normal” will include happiness and confidence and self esteem. I’m consciously making an effort to be kind to myself. If you’re out there struggling too, you’re not alone. Life is worth the fight. There is so much good in this world. Everyone has darkness too, that’s what makes us human. Don’t be afraid of it. Explore it and learn to love yourself. Help yourself. Thanks for reading.

LKM